Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Credentials? Need some nice credentials , fella? 

Why, yes, don't mind if I do.
Thanks to The Poorman, I now hereby claim the title of Distinguished Senior Fellow (DSF) of The Poor Man Institute.
To demonstrate the quality of this fine institution, I also want to inform both of my readers about the Institute's latest cause celebre -- The Elder Lifestyle. Watch out, everyone!
It is impossible to look at today’s society and not notice that something is wrong. There is a sickness at the core of our culture, a rot, a decay. There is a fetid odor rising from the stangnant sewer of American society, and it smells suspiciously like that weird funk at grandma’s house. I’m referring, of course, to the practitioners of the trendy, and morally dangerous, elderly lifestyle. There is no doubt that the numbers of the elderly have grown, and will continue to grow, unless something is done to stop it. While elderly advocacy groups claim they are not trying to recruit new members, the numbers speak for themselves. More and more people are dropping out of the workforce, picking up Social Security checks, and planting themselves in front of the PAX channel at taxpayer expense. Many people feel that we should be tolerant of the elderly lifestyle. They say that it isn’t hurting anybody, that they can’t help it, that it is “natural”, etc. “What’s the big deal if we just lay down and do nothing while old people ruin everything that’s good and true in the world?” they ask. The elderly lifestyle is a choice. No one is born liking Antiques Roadshow. No one is born wanting to hike their pants up to their armpits and turn the heat up to 87°F and babble endlessly about how much things used to cost and how no one ever visits them and how much better everything used to be. Admittedly, most people are born wrinkly, toothless, whiney and incontinent, but that’s just the point! How are we supposed to teach our children to be responsible adults when the media keeps pushing a hip and resposibility-free elderly lifestyle of adult diapers, free money, and all the pills you can pop? And study after study has shown that “going old” is a gateway to the dead lifestyle. The Poor Man Institute for Freedom and Democracy and a Pony recommends that Congress enact a law making 47 the maximum age allowable by law. After you get to 47, you have to stop. Enough is enough. For, as the Bible teaches: “Old […] people […] are […] wicked”. (Genesis 5:32 - 19:7)
Pretty good, except, for obvious reasons, I disagree with the "Stop 47" law.
Personally, I think it would be much better just to enact a constitutional ammendment in both Canada and the United States which simply disallows skin wrinkling and all other kinds of interior organ deterioration whatsovever. That way, we can all just stay young forever.
Great idea, huh? That's the kind of high-quality thinking you will be getting now on this blog, now that I am a Distinguished Senior Fellow (DSF)!
-signed, CathiefromCanada, DSF

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