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Saturday, March 03, 2007

Crash humour 

Reading Wolcott, I came across this anecdote about a white-knuckle airplane trip:
In the Seventies we flew together in a commuter prop plane to visit Pauline Kael in Great Barrington, Massachusetts, hit major storm turbulence, the plane bouncing and rocking so hard in the air that teeth began to hurt, and, as we descended toward the air strip, we could see people sitting on a nearby hillside, as if picnicking. What do you think they're doing? I asked, to which Clive [James] replied, "Waiting to see if we crash."
And it reminded me of Ron White's great stand-up routine:
So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight. Couldn't make it with that equipment. . . . The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to live for. He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour!"
Google is your friend! When I googled "all the way to the scene of the crash" which is all I could remember of Ron White's joke, I also found this page from Dave Barry's blog -- first, his post:
ATLANTA AIRPORT UPDATE So I'm waiting to get on the plane, and the pilots arrive at the gate, and
as they walk past, one of them says to the other -- this is a direct quote -- "Hey, it flew in, it'll fly out."
Then, some of the comments:
Dave, Weren't those Amelia Earharts' last words?

Oh wait, those were her second to last words.....followed by "Well, shit."

Yikes! I once flew a small (8 seat)to Dallas. Sitting over the wing, I noticed oil streaming out of the engine. ISIANMTU [I Swear I Am Not Making This Up]...The guy in front of me, returning from a short trip said "Don't worry, it was doin' that yesterday too"

Once I was trying to get out of Minneapolis in a snowstorm. I had a hotel room reserved just in case and I needed to release the room by 6 or get charged for it. The gate agent was insisting that I would get a flight, but the pilot, standing nearby, looked me in the eye and said, "Keep that room." 45 minutes later they announced we were boarding and I overheard the same pilot say, "Holy S*?t! We're flying in this?" I lived to tell the tale...

Once, I was conversing with an older gentleman who was a friend of mine. Someone mentioned skydiving, and I stated that I could see no reason for EVER jumping out of a perfectly good airplane. My elderly friend, who had considerable aviation experience, said, "Honey, any pilot in the world will tell you there ain't no such thing as a 'perfectly good airplane'."
And check out this site for more airplane humour.

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